Sunday, March 30, 2008

32 years ago today...

look what my sweetie surprised me w/this birthday morning!

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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Hi-tech Billboard Liberation


From Laughing Squid:
An entity simply known as Skullphone has been altering Clear Channel digital billboards in Los Angeles, by hacking into the computer that runs the billboards and inserting the Skullphone images between the ads.
Update: see comments to this post - it wasn't a hack, after all.

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Sunday, March 23, 2008

hurray for spring


a love supreme
Originally uploaded by stereogab
spinnin discs w/leafy, cookin, watchin the bravest first daffodils and tulips, savoring the reawakening of spring. my acupuncturist would say my qi (or chi) is elevated/on the surface, and i'd agree.

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Wednesday, March 12, 2008

absolution

Hello blog,
I know I've kinda pulled back from conducting the kind of public self-exploration through you since your inception. While I think it's perfectly reasonable to keep some aspects of the self private, I was having fun experimenting with my inquisitive, bold new persona. I also found I connected better w/friends who were also using this medium to think out loud about who they are and what this life is all about (and what the politicians are doing, and what's their favorite song of the day, etc. etc.) I dunno, somehow, by sharing my life experience here, life started making more sense to me. I started making more sense to me.

My theory is I need(ed) to overcome my tendency to hide within myself by overcompensating and sharing so publicly. I think I had very good reasons for being a shy turtle (cf. childhood experiences.) And sure, this is the Internet, so anyone online can see what I write, so long as they know to find it. But I felt a security knowing my online ruminations were only read by a handful of folks - mostly friends I would normally have shared such details in emails, phone calls or in person. I was inspired by yoga and started to open to a grace within me, and that felt so fulfilling I wanted to confess my worries and innermost thoughts. Perhaps this was a form of reconciliation and/or absolving myself.

If you know me, you know I've done a lot of soul searching the past few years, trying to reconcile how I feel about some (not all) experiences from growing up in a mashup of a family - one of those yours, mine and ours families that suffered from divorce and also blended different cultures. Although they probably will never understand me, I purposefully estranged myself (albeit temporarily, or so I thought/still think?) to give myself much needed space to discover what it was that I wanted from life, from myself, without being interrupted all the time by the needs of my family. I felt alone in this process, though I now realize how many others experience similar predicaments. And I discovered this in part because I learned to open up and share who I am, in order to make such connections with others. This has been life affirming for me. So, imagine how I felt when my family discovered my blog after I hurriedly posted my immediate reaction to learning my eldest brother had died.

Funny how that post is what started to kill my enthusiasm for continuing the process of opening up. Ok, so if you put someone's full name in a headline, those who are grieving and Googling said person will find your post. Then they may start reading your blog periodically. They may even send you emails that criticize what you felt so proud of: your spiritual awakening and path of discovery. Even creepier, they may start embedding images you included in blog posts in emails they send, but without ever mentioning they were specifically commenting on a blog post.

Getting such negative feedback had a horrible effect. I felt I shouldn't share here (and I still realize what a gamble it is to disclose so much - fuck, one of my first jobs in DC was as a privacy advocate). But I choose to disclose, then I must be strong enough to accept whatever feedback I receive. I should not recoil and begin to censor, because--as I've been figuring out lately--it will have a detrimental effect upon my ability to express myself in many different capacities.

My writing has suffered. Any inkling I have toward artistic expression has suffered. I feel I could proceed down a slippery slope of obscuring my thoughts - even to myself. So I'm declaring who I am again. I may be a daughter, but that does not mean I am a child. I am not beholden to care for others, even if they think they need my energy so desperately. And even if they have suffered and I have compassion for their life experiences. I am not there to fill a void and make it better. That does not mean I do not love. And loving does not mean I need to be in contact.

I realize this may sound selfish, but I'm learning that caring for the self is not necessarily a negative thing. It's self-PRESERVATION. And I don't need to explain myself and make it make sense for others. I, of course, mean no harm, but I shouldn't have to feel guilty for wanting to set appropriate boundaries. A child does not have to care for a parent. Sorry. Maybe in other centuries and cultures it was a necessity to have such a cohesive collective. In the 21st century, yes, in the USA, it's not an economic necessity. It's not a matter of survival.

There. I want to thank my dear friend who inspired me to come clean. And I dedicate this to my brother, Luis, and my sister (whom I never met), Isabel. I wish you could have stepped out of the path of self-destruction and found the beauty in living fully and loving yourself. I want desperately to believe you did not die martyrs on account of a broken family that never took the time to properly heal from the many injustices it had suffered. I am grateful for the life I was given and all the love I have received. I know that if I let myself heal, any anger that still resides within the 5 year old, 13 year old, 18 year old in me will transform into pure love.

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Thursday, March 06, 2008

Friends, ru on twitter yet?



walked across town the same time of day as last thursday, but the sky stayed brighter and the greens were more vibrant.

finally feeling myself again after a nasty flu complete with fever dreams and hack. been breaking down some mental barriers through physical movement. it's a trip and i'm grateful i somehow stumbled upon another great teacher, though some say nothing's truly random.

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